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Ladies Learning Code (Um, Yes, We Had Sandwiches)

I did a really cool thing last weekend.

Jane and I went to a Ladies Learning Code Workshop; an introduction to JavaScript, led by Angelina Fabbro.

I don’t usually sign up for workshops or gatherings or meet-ups or things like this. I get kind of anxious going by myself and I turn into the weird wallflowery person with a juice in their hands. The fact that Jane was with me was great. I was thinking we could at least hold the juices in our hands together and talk about knitting instead, if it didn’t work out.

Held in the lunch room at the Hootsuite offices in Vancouver, the workshop started out in a very casual way. Meredith, who I had assumed was the organizer, flashed us a bright smile, swung the door open and in we went, out of the rainy weather and into a toasty room that totally looked like Yogi Bear’s house but with beer taps.

There were no forced name-tags, no registration bars to scan, or any type of weird, “What are you doing here?” sort of situations. Thank God. People just walked in and set up shop. Just the way I liked my gatherings. I fucking hate small talk. I hate when people ask me what’s up or how my weekend went. Anyway, let’s not get into that.

This workshop was for people who had zero knowledge of JavaScript. And the thing is, I’ve tried to learn this time and time again.

I know Ben had been ready to punch me in the mouth for the way I’d been going about this, but there had just been this inexplicable force of resistance on my part to get things going.

The cool thing was that for me, it all kind of came together on this day. It was like Ben actually came up out of nowhere and physically punched me in the mouth. (He didn’t.)

I’ve been trying to figure out why I couldn’t get into JavaScript as much as HTML/CSS. It was weird, but each time I would open up these Sportsbutter .js files, something inside of me would sort of deflate and I would just start doing my laundry instead. I could sort of understand the basics of what was going on, and I was okay when it came to jQuery elements. I could make things slide and fade and shit, but that was kind of it.

But for me to actually get started and build a structure or an app out of JavaScript… I don’t know.

It was around the time Angelina was sharing her experiences about being a lady-programmer that it hit me.

She spoke about how she had turned down her first opportunity to lead a lecture about it because she instinctively felt like she wasn’t good enough.

I kind of sat there, holding a wonderful curried chicken wrap in my hands (instead of a juice), and let that story sink in. It definitely resonated with me. It wasn’t about being humble or not knowing what to do, really, but essentially, I came to realize that I couldn’t get started mainly because I felt exactly the same way.

The fact that I categorized myself as someone who knew absolutely nothing about JavaScript even though I’ve been with Mainsocial for over two years said something.

I didn’t think I was good enough to get this JavaScript shit.

When I work with Ben, it just always looked like magic to me. I would mention something that was broken, and I’d try to fix it, but would ultimately end up spinning my wheels. But when Ben would deal with it, it almost always usually gets fixed in a day. One time he fixed a bug in the time it took me to get a glass of water.

Of course B-ballz would be gracious about it, and he has taken great (great) pains to teach and mentor me. And I am definitely not saying that he is the reason I was so dumb about it, but I guess it’s just difficult to not be intimidated in this kind of situation.

What changed for me during this workshop was the context of my own experience. I honestly thought that I was going into a workshop with zero knowledge, just like everyone else.

But as soon as Angelina started talking through the slides and discussing basic things like variables and while loops, I found myself looking around and seeing that… erm, I kind of know this shit, too.

So a second wave of realization came upon me, and that was that… there was no secret sauce behind JavaScript.

The code presented to us was of course a hundred times simpler than what I would see in our Butterpool apps, but as Angelina walked us through it, I found the basic patterns and principles behind it.

It was like looking at a really big complicated robot machine powered by a Flux-Capacitor that writes out your grocery lists automatically for you and realizing that you can achieve the same results by using a pencil and paper.

The workshop had me building from the bottom up.

I think in my experience, I was introduced to JavaScript from the top down. The app was already working, and my job was to go in there with a wrench and hit stuff inside the big complicated robot machine powered by a Flux-Capacitor. And I didn’t know where Ben kept the pencils. And I couldn’t ask because I didn’t know that all I needed was to know where the pencils were. I didn’t know what I knew and if I didn’t know, then I didn’t know what I didn’t know either.

Are you following me?

And so as the day went on, I found myself talking through things with Jane. The quick exercises proved very useful to both of us because on one end Jane was getting a great intro from Angelina, and on the other, I was gaining an opportunity to test myself in talking it out with her.

It felt like I was putting polyfill into these odd cracks and crevices in my brain, and smoothing it out with a spackle knife. It was empowering.

I guess I just didn’t realize how much I knew until a bigger and more complete picture was laid out before me.

It’s like that story about a bunch of blind guys touching an elephant and talking about trees and horns and shit. I was one of the blind guys, and I think I just had my hand in the elephant’s balls the whole time thinking it was a jaguar’s mouth, afraid that it would bite me if I moved.

Just like my past weirdness about people trusting my skills, I think I had another set of issues about my own confidence in them.

Mainly because I’ve come across web development from a self-taught angle, rather than “having gone to school for it”, I think I just got used to thinking that I was a little bit less talented than those with actual formal training, or people who have been coding websites since they were nine years old. It’s also quite a big thing to be working in a vacuum for so long, and not really knowing your place within an industry.

With design shit, I feel fine. I recognize my peers and colleagues, and I know what they’re up to because I grew out of the same seeds of community. I may not necessarily know who the director of Burnkit is, and I may make a total ass out of myself in front of him and his ladyfriend during a birthday BBQ in a park. But I like to think that I can hold my own with fellow designers.

When it comes to web development, though, it’s completely different for me. I don’t have the same connections or the same experiences with people who I should consider my peers. Because I have no fucking clue who they are.

But now, armed with this knowledge and a new perspective, I’m pretty keen on changing that.

I came back super excited about what I can do with JavaScript, and immediately started plans for an awesome knitting app. This has since grown into a monsterish idea and now needs to be pruned and trimmed.

It goes back to my wallflowery personality, for sure. But if anything, I’m just glad that I was able to attend something like Ladies Learning Code. I feel like I got way more out of it that I expected. Jane even suggested that I try and be one of the mentors for the next event. We’ll see if I can gather up the courage for that…

Relaxy Parts of Work

I feel pretty nerdy saying this, but there are some parts of my job that kind of relaxes me.

It’s a difficult feeling to describe, because I still end up feeling super tired at the end of the night, but at the same time, my brain feels like it’s on fire. In the good way.

Physically, I guess I don’t look that much different from when I am working on front-end markup and figuring out how to do the right query from a database. To me, the latter is totally nerve-wracking and draining in a way that I have to take angry sandwich breaks from time to time.

Don’t get me wrong. I still like it because I like the challenge and problem-solving aspect of it, but I like it in a different way. Front-end stuff… I don’t know. I never realize what time it is unless I actually set an alarm or launch f.lux to tell me it’s dinnertime. Without these signals, I’d probably work well into the night and not even know it’s been two days since.

I’d still be on the same desk, wearing the same power suit (e.g., striped pyjamas with pockets) and drinking the same cup of coffee from my little yellow Bodum mug with a cat on it.

But one makes me nervous and kind of excited, while the other totally pulls me into a comfort zone of goose-down duvet proportions.

There is something really awesome about doing front-end work for me. I love doing markup and working on HTML/CSS. From figuring out how to create a grid structure that works, to slowly nudging numbers on my Chrome Developer panel to make things line up.

It’s like if you hooked up my brains to a visualization machine, it would kind of look like Robin Williams running through that crazy field in What Dreams May Come. Actually I’ve never seen that movie. So I’m hoping it’s a good and happy scene, and nothing like The Cell with Jennifer Lopez.

What Dreams May Come
This is good, right?

I’ve likened it to hairdressing in the past. And I think I get the same feeling as when I move furniture around my apartment to get a new layout. The idea that this whole canvas is so malleable and completely up to my own manipulation is pretty cool. I feel like one of those kids in those Douglas College ads or Vancouver Film School ads, where they do a weird stroke movement and some type of animated shit barfs out of their pens or their fingers.

SUPER LAME TO DESCRIBE IT THIS WAY but sometimes it really does feel like that. And what do I live for but to embarrass my fellow design professionals?

I remember my colleagues at Kaldor blanching whenever I’d mention how much I love Reba. I also based one of our major projects from a scene I remembered from Gilmore Girls. The project worked out well, but nobody really asked me to explain the screen grab of Rory Gilmore looking at her Harvard Wall and holding a Yale shirt. Whatever. I get results.

So anyway, yes. Front end work. I love it. My brain just goes into jelly-mode and I can honestly sit here for five hours working on one page. I feel so comfortable and happy just plugging away when I’m in the thick of things.

Of course there are different facets to anyone’s work which one is bound to love, kind of like, and really hate. And I think a lot of us talk about the bad parts and how we stress out and how busy we are, but I’m trying this thing out where I look into the shit I love instead. And I mean LOVE. Not just shit I kind of enjoy or shit I think I’m pretty good at.

I mean shit I really don’t mind doing even if someone asks me to do it in the middle of the night or shit I will always make time for.

This shit list includes things like re-arranging my furniture to maximize space, capacity and sunlight; spooning with my cat; making roast beef sandwiches; watching Face/Off on Netflix; watching Demolition Man… ANYTIME ANYWHERE; eating sashimi salad and as already established, building and adjusting HTML/CSS files.

So World, LEAVE ME ALONE!

(exaunt)